Some Days are Hard

4 PET scans later…

2 and a half years since her diagnosis…

Every 90 days another check up….

 

Sure of what we hope for…yes she is healed.

Certain of what we cannot see…you bet!

 

Still the knot in my stomach.

Fear that comes like a “too big” wave crashing over me..

 

A harsh reminder of all Amanda has been through…all we have come through as a family.

Somehow – it still seems unreal.

Hard to grasp the gravity of all that has happened.

Maybe that is a good thing?

 

Maybe that is latter stage grief showing signs of completion?

Maybe that means my hurting heart is healing?

 

Yet…out of nowhere – that all too familiar ache in my chest rises.

Tears flow.  

Seemingly untriggered?  

 

Is this what Carol Kent meant when she spoke of the “new normal” in her classic book “Laying Down Your Isaac”?

 

Is this what Sheryl Sandberg speaks about in her new book, “Option B”?   

Is this what it’s like to have to accept Option B when Option A is no longer an option???

 

In some strange way this has woven my heart together with my daughters…  

tighter…deeper…stronger.

 

For this I am extraordinarily grateful.

 

That’s why on a rainy Tuesday morning, I can receive a text message and understand it fully…

 

“Hi Mommy,

Listened to this YouTube video this morning…have to say, this is exactly how I feel sometimes.   

Some days are hard.  Some days are even harder.

But even if it comes back…even if I live to 100…even if I don’t…I won’t ever give up on God – cause He never gives up on me!   Love Amanda”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25O0FpJja7o

 

I watched.

I cried.

I wanted to jump on a plane and give her a hug.

 

A phone call would have to do.

 

I love this girl so much.

She inspires me more and more each day.

She is one strong, powerful woman!  

 

It is on days like this one – I know how very blessed I am to have a daughter who ministers to me with her raw honesty – her real and lasting love for God – and a faith that has been tested and refined by the fire of adversity.

 

I am blessed and I know my faith is stronger because of her.

 

How about you?  Who – or what – has blessed you with the gift of faith?

 

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